B
Bounce
Guest
Now I know why I keep getting those prank calls....
The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
- Thread starter Thor's Hammer
- Start date
- Replies 12K
- Views 527K
SkwerI
Treehouser
Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a
vacation.
Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's all blue, shivering and shaking,
damn near frozen to death!
The other flea asks him, "What the hell happened to you?"
The first flea says, "I rode down here from Detroit in the mustache of a guy
on a Harley."
The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel!Try what I
do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you're there, look
for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and
cozy. You'll be in Miami in no time. It's the best way to travel that I can
think of."
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next
winter.
A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue and
shivering and shaking again. Damn near frozen to death.
The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said.....I went to the
Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess
came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm
that I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache
of the guy on the Harley."
vacation.
Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's all blue, shivering and shaking,
damn near frozen to death!
The other flea asks him, "What the hell happened to you?"
The first flea says, "I rode down here from Detroit in the mustache of a guy
on a Harley."
The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel!Try what I
do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you're there, look
for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and
cozy. You'll be in Miami in no time. It's the best way to travel that I can
think of."
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next
winter.
A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue and
shivering and shaking again. Damn near frozen to death.
The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said.....I went to the
Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess
came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm
that I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache
of the guy on the Harley."
SkwerI
Treehouser
The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!" . You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!" . You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter.
F
Frans
Guest
Good one Skwerl 
And true too!
And true too!
N
NeTree
Guest
There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.'
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?' Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!'
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease...and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?' Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!'
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease...and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!
N
NeTree
Guest
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "That's It! I've had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Jesus and Satan sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured and of course the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out."
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became very irate.
"Wait," he screamed. "That's not fair. He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
>
>
>
>
"JESUS SAVES"
Finally fed up, God said, "That's It! I've had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Jesus and Satan sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured and of course the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out."
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became very irate.
"Wait," he screamed. "That's not fair. He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
>
>
>
>
"JESUS SAVES"
N
NeTree
Guest
Lord knows I've had a few of these friggin' things....
Craigslist: Kitten
Ferocious attack kitten is available for adoption to any home willing to accept him.
This destructive kitty has been trained as a proud warrior and will fiercely defend your house, even against you.
Well-trained since 10-weeks of age to attack anything in his presence, he will protect your family from evil things, including the following:
* insects
* other trained attack kittens
* babies
* toilet paper
* anything under a blanket
* unwanted house guests
* paper bags
* floor rugs
* Chuck Norris
* Feet.
Great with children (assuming you don’t like the children). Probably best used for professional catfighting. He is housebroken, but only because he wants to be. This attack cat has trained himself to seek out his food anywhere you hide it and rip the bag open to feed himself, great for those who travel extensively. Also trained to drink water out of toilet bowls and dishwater from items in the sink. Knows how to open some doors. He will find you wherever you hide.
Neutered (trust me, you wont want to him to procreate). Has not been declawed, but you'll figure that out really fast.
Understands and responds to a variety of vulgar and profane verbal commands. Has a very soft and furry belly, like a teddy bear - however he will bite your face if you try to touch it.
Willing to accept trades. Potential adopters must have experience with trained attack-kittens... please be prepared to show scars.
For the love of God, someone please take this thing out of my house.
Craigslist: Kitten
Ferocious attack kitten is available for adoption to any home willing to accept him.
This destructive kitty has been trained as a proud warrior and will fiercely defend your house, even against you.
Well-trained since 10-weeks of age to attack anything in his presence, he will protect your family from evil things, including the following:
* insects
* other trained attack kittens
* babies
* toilet paper
* anything under a blanket
* unwanted house guests
* paper bags
* floor rugs
* Chuck Norris
* Feet.
Great with children (assuming you don’t like the children). Probably best used for professional catfighting. He is housebroken, but only because he wants to be. This attack cat has trained himself to seek out his food anywhere you hide it and rip the bag open to feed himself, great for those who travel extensively. Also trained to drink water out of toilet bowls and dishwater from items in the sink. Knows how to open some doors. He will find you wherever you hide.
Neutered (trust me, you wont want to him to procreate). Has not been declawed, but you'll figure that out really fast.
Understands and responds to a variety of vulgar and profane verbal commands. Has a very soft and furry belly, like a teddy bear - however he will bite your face if you try to touch it.
Willing to accept trades. Potential adopters must have experience with trained attack-kittens... please be prepared to show scars.
For the love of God, someone please take this thing out of my house.
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN? ABSOLUTELY A
TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly
payments of $560.00).
He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter;
and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on
the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.
They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for
the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.
Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is
going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can
produce.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite
with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid
they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the
fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the
following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with
a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR,
the GUNS, and the DOG???
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING;
especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes
off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of
dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.
The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in
their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler
at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master,
keeps coming.
One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun
is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The
dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another
shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of
course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog
takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on
the truck t! ouches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under
the truck and takes off after his master.
Then " "" "" "" "" " BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! ! ! !
The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving
the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened"
looks on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal
use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to
make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.
The dog is okay. . doing fine.
And you thought Rednecks only lived in the South........
TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly
payments of $560.00).
He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter;
and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on
the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.
They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for
the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.
Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is
going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can
produce.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite
with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid
they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the
fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the
following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with
a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR,
the GUNS, and the DOG???
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING;
especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes
off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of
dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.
The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in
their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler
at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master,
keeps coming.
One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun
is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The
dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another
shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of
course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog
takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on
the truck t! ouches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under
the truck and takes off after his master.
Then " "" "" "" "" " BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! ! ! !
The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving
the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened"
looks on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal
use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to
make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.
The dog is okay. . doing fine.
And you thought Rednecks only lived in the South........
B
Blinky
Guest
So do you know what happens if you play a country music record backwards?
You get your wife back, your boat back, your truck back, your girlfriend back, the sun comes out and the Arabs kick your ass.
You get your wife back, your boat back, your truck back, your girlfriend back, the sun comes out and the Arabs kick your ass.
SkwerI
Treehouser
You forgot about getting your dog back and getting sober. 
N
NeTree
Guest
Speaking of dogs...
A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around
the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'
'What's that mean?' asked the child.
'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
...
'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she
said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'
Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with
gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent,
and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go
one time round the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block,
so another dog is pushing her home.'
A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around
the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'
'What's that mean?' asked the child.
'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
...
'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she
said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'
Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with
gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent,
and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go
one time round the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block,
so another dog is pushing her home.'
H
hugashe
Guest
love
The love story of Ralph and Edna.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have..
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bat hrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?'
The love story of Ralph and Edna.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have..
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bat hrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?'
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
make her feel like a woman
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a Severe storm. The
Turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to Worse
When one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she Stands up in the front of the plane.
'I'm too young to die,' she wails.
Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my Last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone On this plane who can
Make me feel Like a WOMAN?'
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten Their own peril.
They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman
In the Front of the plane.
Then a cowboy from Kentucky stands up in the rear of The plane.
He is handsome: tall, well built,
With dark Brown hair and hazel eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his Shirt.
One button at a time. . ......
No one moves.................
He removes his shirt................
Muscles ripple across his chest..........
She gasps............
He whispers..............
*
*
*
*
*
*
'Iron this......Then get me a beer'
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a Severe storm. The
Turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to Worse
When one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she Stands up in the front of the plane.
'I'm too young to die,' she wails.
Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my Last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone On this plane who can
Make me feel Like a WOMAN?'
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten Their own peril.
They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman
In the Front of the plane.
Then a cowboy from Kentucky stands up in the rear of The plane.
He is handsome: tall, well built,
With dark Brown hair and hazel eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his Shirt.
One button at a time. . ......
No one moves.................
He removes his shirt................
Muscles ripple across his chest..........
She gasps............
He whispers..............
*
*
*
*
*
*
'Iron this......Then get me a beer'
N
NeTree
Guest
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse begged the chicken to go get the farmer for help..
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley Davidson motorcycle.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope and a bad full of climbing equipment hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the single rope the chicken had set up with the carabiners and ascenders.
After tying the other end to the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell in to a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his dick he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
' When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need SRT To Pick Up Chicks!
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse begged the chicken to go get the farmer for help..
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley Davidson motorcycle.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope and a bad full of climbing equipment hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the single rope the chicken had set up with the carabiners and ascenders.
After tying the other end to the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell in to a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his dick he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
' When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need SRT To Pick Up Chicks!
OTGBOSTON
punk in drublic
H
hugashe
Guest
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lighting, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
’Well... She’s there.’
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
’Well... She’s there.’
Thoughts from across the pond.........
We, in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an
election in the United States.
On one side, you have a pants wearing lawyer, married to a lawyer who
can't
keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer
who goes to the wrong church who is married to yet another lawyer who
doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run.
Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts
with
the appropriate Mc terminology married to a good looking younger woman who
owns a beer distributorship...
What are you lads thinking over there in the colonies??
We, in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an
election in the United States.
On one side, you have a pants wearing lawyer, married to a lawyer who
can't
keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer
who goes to the wrong church who is married to yet another lawyer who
doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run.
Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts
with
the appropriate Mc terminology married to a good looking younger woman who
owns a beer distributorship...
What are you lads thinking over there in the colonies??
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
Hunting license
A hillbilly went hunting one day in Georgia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.
The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Georgia hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This duck ain't from Georgia . This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee hunting' license, boy?'
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This ain't no Tennessee duck. This duck's from Mississippi . You got a Mississippi license?'
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This ain't no Mississippi duck. ! This here duck's from! South Carolina . You got a South Carolina hunting' license?'
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, 'Boy, just where the heck are you from?'
The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said,'You tell me. You're the expert.'
A hillbilly went hunting one day in Georgia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.
The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Georgia hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This duck ain't from Georgia . This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee hunting' license, boy?'
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This ain't no Tennessee duck. This duck's from Mississippi . You got a Mississippi license?'
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This ain't no Mississippi duck. ! This here duck's from! South Carolina . You got a South Carolina hunting' license?'
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, 'Boy, just where the heck are you from?'
The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said,'You tell me. You're the expert.'
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
4 freinds
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years,
reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who
remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb
the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became
so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his
birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy. He started w orking for a big airline, and then went to flight school
to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he
owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend
a brand new jet for his
birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also
gave away something very nice and expensive
to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square
foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the
fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the
congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were talking about the
pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My s on is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame...what a
disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago and he
received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top
of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!'
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years,
reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who
remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb
the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became
so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his
birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy. He started w orking for a big airline, and then went to flight school
to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he
owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend
a brand new jet for his
birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also
gave away something very nice and expensive
to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square
foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the
fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the
congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were talking about the
pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My s on is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame...what a
disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago and he
received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top
of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!'
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
juggling
A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles
south of the Virginia/Kentucky State line. When the trooper asked the driver
why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was
on his way to Roanoke to do a show at the Shrine Circus.
He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked
if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him
a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't
have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and
asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper
got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, A car pulled in behind the patrol car. A
drunken good old boy, from Tennessee , got out, watched the performance,
then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The
trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door
asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, " You might as well take my ass to jail, cause
there's no way I can pass that test
A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles
south of the Virginia/Kentucky State line. When the trooper asked the driver
why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was
on his way to Roanoke to do a show at the Shrine Circus.
He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked
if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him
a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't
have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and
asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper
got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, A car pulled in behind the patrol car. A
drunken good old boy, from Tennessee , got out, watched the performance,
then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The
trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door
asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, " You might as well take my ass to jail, cause
there's no way I can pass that test
Tucker943
Bamboo Plantation Owner
An irish man and his son meet at the pub one day.
The father had some news to share with his son.
The father says to his son very quietly, "The cancer, my boy. Its killin me. I dont have but a few months left"
After a little while of drinkin, crying, laughing, and remembering old times, the bartender comes over to the two and asks what is wrong.
The father tells him, "I got me the AIDS, I'm dying." The son waits until the bartender leaves and asks the father why he told the man that.
"So no one foks yer mother when I'm gone!"
The father had some news to share with his son.
The father says to his son very quietly, "The cancer, my boy. Its killin me. I dont have but a few months left"
After a little while of drinkin, crying, laughing, and remembering old times, the bartender comes over to the two and asks what is wrong.
The father tells him, "I got me the AIDS, I'm dying." The son waits until the bartender leaves and asks the father why he told the man that.
"So no one foks yer mother when I'm gone!"
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
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