The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

[Dave Shepard]

I've been doing a lot of carpentry at work lately, all new to me. I commented to a friend of mine how it wasn't the most accuracy requiring thing I've ever done. He replied with this joke, which really summed it all up:



Little Johnny was bothering his mother to play a game, but she was too busy cleaning house. She told him to go next door and watch the carpenters building a house. A couple hours later Little Johnny come home and wants to play a game.

Mother: What game do you want to play Johnny?

Johnny: I want to play Contractor!

Mother: Ok, ho do we play that?

Johnny: We need a piece of string, a nail and a hammer. You go down to that end of the room with the hammer and nail, and we'll stretch the string out.

Johnny's mother stretches the string out across the floor.

Mother: Ok, is this where you want the string?

Johnny: Move it a C hair to the right.

Mother: What did you just say?

Johnny: Just move it a C hair to the right!

Mother: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

Johnny: Aw just fuckin nail it, it's close enough!

 

[Newfie]

 

[CurSedVoyce]

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[OTGBOSTON]

Subject: Irish Bank Robbery

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the teller to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.

There are a few moments silence, then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: 'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ....'

 

[hmm]

Judging Others . . .

An elephant asked a camel, why are your breasts on your back?'







'Well,' says the camel, I think that's an inappropriate question coming from somebody whose dick is on his face.

 

[CurSedVoyce]

Judging Others . . .

An elephant asked a camel, why are your breasts on your back?'







'Well,' says the camel, I think that's an inappropriate question coming from somebody whose dick is on his face.

 

[hmm]

Why Men are Never Depressed:


Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

 

[MasterBlaster]

That's pretty good.

 

[sotc]

Some Doctor's Opinions of the financial Bail-Outpackage:




The Allergists voted to scratch it.

The Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it.

But the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

The Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!'.

The Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.

The Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.

But the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.

The Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in Washington.....

 

[TheTreeWiseMen]

My mrs sent me this......
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[hmm]

OH GEE - now that was SO CUTE

REMEMBER

 

[JamesTX]

I bought my wife lingerie once - got in trouble.

Once I saved $400, a dollar at a time, so that she wouldn't notice and I could truely surprise her. Got in trouble.

Once I did nothing. Got in trouble, but it was a hell of a lot easier. Guess what she's getting this year.

 

[Paul B]

Why Men are Never Depressed:


Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? ... You can be President. ...

Might need to update that part, women are able to become president nowadays arent they? And they didnt put anything in about the farting deal.
The rest seems fairly factual

 

[hmm]

About that dog house.

Right now if a man walked into my life, and gave me handles for my wheelbarrow and got that fixed - that man MIGHT BE IN HEAVEN . . . .

 

[Treeslayer]

This one is right on the mark.


Gabriel went to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you ... we have some Texans up here who are causing problems! They're swinging on the Pearly Gates, 20 of my sheep are missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of their robes ... there's barbecue sauce and Picante' sauce all over everything ... especially their T-shirts. Their dogs are riding in the Chariots and chasing the sheep ... they are wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos.! They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom. There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing, and they insist on bringing their horses with them!"

The Lord said ... "Texans are Texans, Gabriel ... Heaven is home to all of my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil!"

So, Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says, "Hello ... hold on a minute!"

When he returns to the phone the Devil says ... "O.K, I'm back ... what can I do for you? "

Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kinds of problems you are having down there with the Texans."

The Devil said, "Hold on again ... I need to check on something!"

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said ... "I'm back ... Now what was the question?"

Gabriel said, "what kind of problems are you having down there with the Texans?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this...hold on."

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes, and when he returns he says, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now ... those Texans have put out the fire, and are trying to install air conditioning!!!”

 

[hmm]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '
2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'
1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'
2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new Fangled warshin ' machines!'
1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'
2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.'

 

[CurSedVoyce]

This one always tickles me ....
I grew up with five sisters so I can totally see this happening.
Here ya go ladies

The Washcloth

Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a
woman alive today who won't crack up over this----

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell
me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was
already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so

I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene
when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to
make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was

sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to
make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the
clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my
appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,
looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in
Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an
extra effort this morning, haven't we?' I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The
rest of the day was normal. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out
fro m the bathroom, 'Mommy, where's my washcloth?'

I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, 'No, I
need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and
sparkles saved inside it.'

Never going back to that doctor. Ever

 

[treetx]

OLDER WOMEN

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she
probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she
asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, tonight's your lucky night.'
We went back to her place. We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:





'Mom, you still awake?'

 

[Tree Reb]

Please, don't post anymore jokes.

Just kidding,

A Texan walks into a pub in Sydney and and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Aussies are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Tooheys Old back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same bloke who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Aussie.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints. Immediately the aussie tears into all 10 drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the aussie the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The aussie replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the road to see if I could do it first." <a href='http://smilies.ugbox.net/' target='_new'><img src='http://smilies.ugbox.net/displaysmilies.php?id=403/beer.gif'

 

[Hobby Climber]

Quick Check for Alzheimer's:



The following was developed as a mental age
assessment by the School of Psychiatry at
Harvard University.

Take your time and see if you can read each
line aloud without a mistake. The average person
over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each
line, .



HC

 

[Stumper]

Did't take anywhere near forty seconds.

 

[Underwor]

Stumper, we must both be fast reading old farts.

 

[lumberjack]

At least you got the last part correct, Bob.

 

[Underwor]

Dang young whippersnapper!!

You'll get there someday, if you are lucky!

 

[hmm]

Dear Santa,

Can you bring me a little brother?

from Tommy