Search results for query: *

¨ I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning! ¨ The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did...

My girlfriend wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat. My mate told me that they were really expensive, so I bought 2 normal cats and glued their heads together.

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! ___________________________________________ FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog...

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few.... I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?" One of them chirped: "It's WALES you idiot!" So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from...

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Madison WI. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode the lining of your stomach. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fats can be disastrous, and none of us...

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble pieces earlier today. Gotta go for a shit now, could spell trouble.

Jeff & Jim - Siamese Twins Americans, Jeff & Jim, are Siamese twins, joined at the hip. They walk into a bar in New York, and order a couple of beers. Barman serves them, and asks "You guys been on vacation yet?" "We're off to England next week" says Jeff "We go every year." Barman says...

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry dear; that was just an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the...

Jeff Gordon Fires Pit Crew Raleigh, NC. Jeff Gordon announced today he has Fired his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's Decision to take advantage of Newt Gingrich’s scheme to employ Harlem Youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent Documentary on...

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant...

Walking into the bar, Rick said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Rick replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees." "Really? Now that's a switch. What...

The boss had to fire somebody and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Mary or Jack. It was a tough decision because they were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Mary came in that day with a...

:lol:

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded...

Two bears were eating a clown, one of them says to the other, "Does this taste funny"?

Kate Middleton? The first person to squeeze into Diana's ring since Dodi Al Fayed.

Excellent! 'bout sums it up eh Brian?

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Dave's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Dave's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find...

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the...

As Jacko was fighting for his life in the ambulance the Doc said 'I think we should start CPR'. The paramedics said..'no we should start heart massage'. The driver said...'no we should start an adrenaline drip'. Jacko, gasping for breath, said....'frig me ...you wanna be startin' something'!