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Why is it that, in my head, my voice sounds like Morgan Freeman narrating a documentary, but when I hear my voice on an answer machine it sounds like Bobcat Goodthwait?

Why is the floor drain always the highest point of any garage/basement? Why is there always a spoon in the sink perfectly positioned to deflect water right in my face? Why does the microwave keep beeping after I open the door? It knows I opened the door. And I know it knows I opened the door.