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Quasimodo might be able to offer some tips on dealing with unwanted intruders.

Andy, if you went to the police station and said to the cops, "When I catch the mofos, I'm going to kill them", you might get a more serious response. The last thing they like is when the newspapers get wind of an informed potential threat that turned out to be real, and they (the police)...

:lol:

Incessant masturbators too.

Your friend could consider getting a Beagle. They won't tear up the intruder, but their incessant whining bark will wake up the neighborhood and they will all go attack the bad guys.