The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

[gf beranek]

Got to love Gary Larson.

 

[Steve Mack]

 

[Steve Mack]

Double post for those that keep out of the politics one.

 

[Jonny]

 

[Mellow]

Kulula - A South African Airline With a Sense of Humor - Aviation Humor

 

[BeerGeek]

 

[lxskllr]

 

[lxskllr]

 

[gf beranek]

Intuitively I'd think the critter would bow its head to puke.

 

[Steve Mack]

 

[Steve Mack]

 

[flushcut]

Seems legit.

 

[Czed]

 

[Steve Mack]

 

[flushcut]

+1 lol

 

[Czed]

 

[Czed]

 

[Jonny]

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fukked up."

 

[Jonny]

My girlfriend asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?"

Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

 

[Jonny]

An old religious woman goes to a pet store to buy a parrot. Everything is fine until she brings it home. It begins to swear uncontrollably. F this, F that, F you and finally the lady can stand it no more. She grabs the bird, shoves it in the freezer, and slams the door shut. Squawking, shrieking, pounding, and cursing come out of the freezer for a few moments and then it goes quiet.

The woman is scared that she has hurt the bird and opens the freezer. The parrot walks calmly out and steps gently onto the woman's outstretched hand. He looks into the lady's eyes and says "Ma'am, I am truly sorry if my language offended you and it will not recur. If I may ask, what did that chicken in there do?"

 

[Jonny]

Two alter boys are fishing on a dock. One of the boys gets a bite and struggles to reel him in. When he finally gets the best of the fish, he snatches him up and proclaims to the other alter boy "Look at this big sum bitch!" The other alter boy says "You can't say that you're an alter boy" to which he explains "thats the name of the fish, sum bitch." "Wow, well that is a big sum bitch, lets go show it to the priest!"

The two boys run up to the priest yelling, "Priest look at this big sum bitch we caught!" Priest- "You boys can't talk like that you're alter boys!" Alter boys- "Priest thats the name of the fish, sum bitch" Priest- "Well that is a nice sum bitch, lets go catch some more of those sum bitches and show em to the cardinal!"

So the priest and the boys catch some more of those sum bitches and carry them to show the cardinal. "Cardinal, look at all these sum bitches we caught!" Cardinal- "I should have you all excommunicated for language like that!" Alter boys- "Well thats the name of the fish, sum bitch" Cardinal- "I never in my life have seen such a fine bunch of sum bitches, lets take them to the nuns and see if she'll cook up these sum bitches!"

So the alter boys, the priest and the cardinal go see the nun. "NUN! Can you cook up these sum bitches for us?!?!" Nun- "I aint cooking nothing if you boys are gonna talk like that!" Alter boys- "Nun thats the name of the fish, sum bitch!" Nun- "Well since you boys went through the trouble of catching all these sum bitches, I reckon I could fry these sum bitches up!"

That night the pope is visiting town and sets down for supper with the alter boys, priest, cardinal, and nun.

Alter boys- "I can't believe we caught all these sum bitches!" Priest- "These are the best sum bitches I have ever ate!" Cardinal- "Nun, you cooked these sum bitches just right!" Nun- "I sure did, you boys gotta catch some more of these sum bitches!"

The pope looks around at everyone with a surprised look on his face. He cracks a grin and says......."Y'all motherfuckas are alright!"

 

[Jonny]

A DEA officer stopped at a farm and told FirefighterZero, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs."

Jimbo says "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.", pointing out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the Jim. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!" Jim nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, Jim hears loud screams, he looks up, and sees the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the big ill tempered bull...... With every step the bull gains ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer was clearly terrified. Jim throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

 

[flushcut]

The bull then says “ badges! Badges! We don’t need no stinking badges!”

 

[Czed]

 

[stig]

Oh boy, there were some fine ones today.