The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

My cousin has 2 tickets for the 2018 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 for each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at the Temple of God church, in Aurora, IL at 3pm. Her name is Judy McNeal. She is 5'5", about 120 lbs., she's a good cook too...She'll be the one in the white dress. smile emoticon:-)
 
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Bass player gets hammered at the big gig.
Next morning he stumbles downstairs and his wife is at the stove.
Burner's cranking, she has his sock in a frying pan and is turning it with a spatula.
He says; "what ya doin"?
She says, you crawled into bed drunk and last thing you said before passing out was "cook my sock".
 
Lol. I think I remembered one...

It's a couples anniversary, and since it's the weekend they both had the day off. She loved French cuisine, so they decided he would go to the beach and collect some snails so they could have fresh escargot. She would be busy with the kid's activities, so he had more than enough time. So he's walking on the beach, collecting a nice haul when he comes across a group of college girls drinking and sunning themselves. They offer him a beer, and since he had enough snails for dinner already, he accepted. A few beers later they offer him a bowl, and a couple shots. They were tanning topless, and were really friendly, so he didn't see the harm. The next thing he knew he woke up as the sun was coming up. Knowing he was a dead man, he grabbed the bucket and ran home. Since he was still hammered he tripped on the front step of the porch, spilling the snails everywhere. The infuriated wife flung open the door, and screamed where the hell have you been!!? Looking down, he waved his hands and said "come on guys, you're almost there! "
 
They live EVERYWHERE, I think.

Sometimes when we are way up in a tree, we'll find a snail and wonder what in the world made it decide to climb up there.
 
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